Muggle postmen strike on wrong weekend

The Muggle Royal Mail’s post-delivering men, or “postmen” if you will, were in disarray today after going on strike on the wrong weekend.

They had planned to down tools during the release of book seven in the Harry Potter series, also known as the Weekend of the Dislocated Shoulder, when they would be required to walk the streets delivering books to people who gave their credit card numbers to Amazon.com.

However, the current inclement weather caused the strike to be brought forward to give the posties a break from the rain. The union official leading the revolt said, “It’s so grey and wet so I started the strike early. I forgot why we had set it for 21 July though. Now we will have to deliver the books after all.”

The official has now joined another protagonist known only as “JKR” under police protection after threats from colleagues.

Hogwarts buys new Wembley stadium

The world of sports and concerts was put out today when it was announced that Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has bought the new Wembley stadium.

The recently built stadium will be put to use as the school’s new Quidditch arena to replace the creaking wooden stands currently used. A variety of tournaments will be held there, including the Quidditch World Cup and the National Portkey-Balancing Championships.

Being located in a suburb of London may cause difficulty in keeping the magical sport from Muggle eyes, so a variety of wizarding techniques will be employed to keep outsiders at bay, such as “ticketing” and “curtains”.

McGonagall is the sacred feminine

The bestselling Muggle author Dan Brown gave evidence at a special hearing today to support his theory that Professor Minerva McGonagall is in fact the sacred feminine. In his book, The Da Vinci Code, he references the gift of female power and has now spoken out to assert that the Professor — headmistress at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry — is the sacred feminine personified.

Bestselling author Dan Brown said, “Her ability to lead her young disciples on excursions to Hogsmeade clearly points to deity-like qualities. She can also prepare a meal for up to eight people and her sausage and bean melt is without peer.”

He added, “I, bestselling author Dan Brown, will chair a special meeting to discuss the clearly identifiable codes which litter McGonagall’s essay questions, if my Strictly Come Dancing judging commitments allow.”

Hogwarts students suspended, receive ASBOs

Three students from Hogwarts have been suspended in an alleged case of so-called ‘Happy Slapping’, the first ever at the school.

The trio, who cannot be named for legal reasons, went on a frenzy aboard the Hogwarts Express by spontaneously smacking a renowned professor and an elf about the face and left buttock. Both victims were in a state of shock but expected to make a full recovery.

As is usual in Happy Slapping, the students filmed the incident on their magical Nokias which were seized as evidence.

The Ministry of Magic also acted quickly by slapping (snarf!) an Anti-Social Behaviour Order on the mobile terrorists. These ASBOs are a new technique borrowed from Muggle law enforcement, the added bonus being that they can be applied to elderly people, leading to much hilarity when programmes called ‘OAPs on ASBOs’ appear on the Sky One section of the Muggle picture-box.

Weird Sisters headline Live 8

Today angry Irish Muggle Bob Geldof unveiled his plans for Live 8, an amazing day of five live concerts in Europe and America that will raise awareness of global poverty. Most stunning of all was the news that magical group The Weird Sisters have been chosen to headline the event.

They will share billing with the likes of Madonna, Scissor Sisters and U2, but these will be more like support acts. Unlike those artists, the Sisters Weird will not be tied to just one venue but will utilise the international Floo Network to lead concerts in London, Paris, Berlin, Rome and Philadelphia.

The Weird Sisters expect all five huge audiences to jig to the sound of their traditional bagpipes, lute and cello and may present a bonus show the following night in Cheam.