Hogwarts students suspended, receive ASBOs

Three students from Hogwarts have been suspended in an alleged case of so-called ‘Happy Slapping’, the first ever at the school.

The trio, who cannot be named for legal reasons, went on a frenzy aboard the Hogwarts Express by spontaneously smacking a renowned professor and an elf about the face and left buttock. Both victims were in a state of shock but expected to make a full recovery.

As is usual in Happy Slapping, the students filmed the incident on their magical Nokias which were seized as evidence.

The Ministry of Magic also acted quickly by slapping (snarf!) an Anti-Social Behaviour Order on the mobile terrorists. These ASBOs are a new technique borrowed from Muggle law enforcement, the added bonus being that they can be applied to elderly people, leading to much hilarity when programmes called ‘OAPs on ASBOs’ appear on the Sky One section of the Muggle picture-box.

Weird Sisters headline Live 8

Today angry Irish Muggle Bob Geldof unveiled his plans for Live 8, an amazing day of five live concerts in Europe and America that will raise awareness of global poverty. Most stunning of all was the news that magical group The Weird Sisters have been chosen to headline the event.

They will share billing with the likes of Madonna, Scissor Sisters and U2, but these will be more like support acts. Unlike those artists, the Sisters Weird will not be tied to just one venue but will utilise the international Floo Network to lead concerts in London, Paris, Berlin, Rome and Philadelphia.

The Weird Sisters expect all five huge audiences to jig to the sound of their traditional bagpipes, lute and cello and may present a bonus show the following night in Cheam.